...nature helps too

I don't know if it's beacause I'm doing massage again, or if it's got to do with the fact that I'm not chasing some useless boy around... hell, it could just be the ocean air or the view from the top of the hill.
I'm beginning to grow up.
I can feel it. I'm learning things about myself, and then changing or keeping them. I'm taking small moments for myself, and really using them for a purpose. I'm, learning what I need to be happy, like potted plants in my doorway, and a good solid view of nature. And somehow it includes handling my responsibilities.

I think I hold myself to a higher truth, and it's making me think my dad was at least partially right. I have high expectations for myself. I think he instilled them in me, but I also think that even if it weren't for him and his parental misjudgements, I would have a fear of failure.
But no. I take that back. If it weren't for him, I would feel much more powerful. I wouldn't fear never being good enough.
It doesn't matter. What I'm trying to convey, is that I know now that I am important to myself, if no one else. I am beautiful, and passionate, and even... gasp... smart. I can handle whatever blessings or curses come my way in life. That's not to say I welcome a curse... please, Universe, do not test me. But I am strong.
I am ready to LIVE this life. I didn't know I hadn't been.

an itch i can't scratch

I think I am a freedom junkie. I like the idea of droping everything and grabbing a suitcase or two, and peacing out of normal existnace for the open road. If I had any savings of my own whatsoever, it would have happened a long time ago. Fortunately (and unfortunately) I am not self-sufficient enough to drop it all. So I guess I don't get to.
What I might get to do is move every few months, like I have been. Once I'm done looking out the same windows every morning, or if my room is too messy, or if there's a for rent sign somewhere else... that's when I get this itchy feeling under my feet and I pack. Or redecorate. Whatever it takes to subdue the itch.
Someday I am going to take a huge road trip though. It will take a few months, but I will cross America and hit 49 states... I will have to save up a few thousand dollars, but I can do that. It will give me a good idea of where I might want to settle and make my massage/doula practice a reality.
I can't wait.

red and white, dark and light

A pale blossom blooms
Under a pink moon
Full and bright, baby-faced.

The scent lingers
Drifts on a slender wind
Made of petals and stars.

I chew the burning points of light.

The shadow of a rose
Somber and solemn and red like blood.
Hot like embers dying.

It pools and pours
Drowning the sheets
A honey thick and sweet.

I embrace the silky shades of night.

Here I rest
As a bridge, a ladder
The balanced difference between thin-veiled sides.
I buoy and sink
Swim blissfully among salt and stars
As dawn and dusk surrender to themselves.

the words chasing trenches around in my heart

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You can't believe it; You were always singing along..."

"...I know our filthy hands can wash one another's and not one speck will remain..."

"Spikes keep on falling from the heavens to the floor. The future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore..."

"This war-ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors. Pulling fistfulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors..."

"Oh all that I know, there's nothing here to run from. Yeah, 'cause everybody here's got somebody to lean on..."

"...Are we waiting for a saving? I'm so sick of waiting! I've been waiting my whole life. This is a new day..."

"...And don't you bury me six feet under ground. Just burn my body in a box, and let my ashes blow with the wind out into the night sky..."

"When I grow up I want to be a forrester, run through the moss on high heels. That's what I'll do. Throwing out a boomerange, waiting for it to come back to you... "

"This my excavation and today is Kumran. And everything that happens is from now on. This is pouring rain. This is paralyzed..."



around and around and around and around and around and around and around etc

always tired

I am finding that I am exhausted. I am tired, like really tired, a good 60 percent of the time. The only 40 percent landing somewhere among total joy, peaceful contentment, or dreary ennui.

I need a place of my own, to purify and protect and fill with light. I need somewhere I don't have to worry about who is doing what or if my hair looks wrong or why my heart is breaking for no reason at all. I need somewhere that is not going to be infiltrated by other energies.

On a happier note... I don't actually know.