red and white, dark and light

A pale blossom blooms
Under a pink moon
Full and bright, baby-faced.

The scent lingers
Drifts on a slender wind
Made of petals and stars.

I chew the burning points of light.

The shadow of a rose
Somber and solemn and red like blood.
Hot like embers dying.

It pools and pours
Drowning the sheets
A honey thick and sweet.

I embrace the silky shades of night.

Here I rest
As a bridge, a ladder
The balanced difference between thin-veiled sides.
I buoy and sink
Swim blissfully among salt and stars
As dawn and dusk surrender to themselves.

the words chasing trenches around in my heart

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You can't believe it; You were always singing along..."

"...I know our filthy hands can wash one another's and not one speck will remain..."

"Spikes keep on falling from the heavens to the floor. The future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore..."

"This war-ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors. Pulling fistfulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors..."

"Oh all that I know, there's nothing here to run from. Yeah, 'cause everybody here's got somebody to lean on..."

"...Are we waiting for a saving? I'm so sick of waiting! I've been waiting my whole life. This is a new day..."

"...And don't you bury me six feet under ground. Just burn my body in a box, and let my ashes blow with the wind out into the night sky..."

"When I grow up I want to be a forrester, run through the moss on high heels. That's what I'll do. Throwing out a boomerange, waiting for it to come back to you... "

"This my excavation and today is Kumran. And everything that happens is from now on. This is pouring rain. This is paralyzed..."



around and around and around and around and around and around and around etc

always tired

I am finding that I am exhausted. I am tired, like really tired, a good 60 percent of the time. The only 40 percent landing somewhere among total joy, peaceful contentment, or dreary ennui.

I need a place of my own, to purify and protect and fill with light. I need somewhere I don't have to worry about who is doing what or if my hair looks wrong or why my heart is breaking for no reason at all. I need somewhere that is not going to be infiltrated by other energies.

On a happier note... I don't actually know.

singledom

I miss this. I miss a warm tounge in between my lips, and hands on my jaw, in my hair, on my back...
I miss being held, taken care of, caressed.
Hell, I even miss the gritty days, when clothes can't come off fast enough, and the sand from the beach or the dirt from the road is still clinging to skin, skin that feels on fire now...
I miss the force of nature that love can turn into, like a hurricane. I miss the mysterious bruises and the trashy hickies and the tangled hair. I miss my body feeling like it got some attention. I miss the lazy moments afterward, when you feel relaxed and satisfied.
Mostly I just miss this, the look of two people in a crowded room, all alone in the world together.

i have found a sanctuary

Sometimes I am surpirsed by the beauty in everyday things. I finally went to bed last night, turned off the lights, and snuggled deep into the piles of pillows and blankets on my bed. For a small moment there was only peace, a bright moon shining on my face and a cool ocean breeze slipping through my open window. I could even hear the waves crashing on the nearby shore.
My life here will be sweet, I know. Sweet, simple, and full of hard work and small joys. My whole life I have felt I was seeking for something, trying so hard to be better, fuller, stronger, more of something that I was not. Last night I remembered that I am whole. There is nothing to seek that will not eventually find me on its own. And it's in the simplest of moments that I realize-
-Life is good.

john trudell

remember, impatient child, the gentleness of time.

there are some falling-aparts that no magic can fix.

back to plan a

So here is the deal:
I have possibly lost my mind completely. I make a big deal to a bunch of people about how teaching is going to be my real career, about how I'm starting school and moving to Santa Cruz and making something of myself.
Well now I am chainging my mind for the thousandth time and embracing my passion for massage and doula work once again. God save me from my self, and my chaotic mind. I found a school in Santa Cruz that seems to be legit, that I am hoping to attend for massage. It has a doula program built right in too. Both things that I want to do are available to study at this school.
But here I am, having to make sense of this to my grandparents and everyone all over again. Shit.