i have found a sanctuary

Sometimes I am surpirsed by the beauty in everyday things. I finally went to bed last night, turned off the lights, and snuggled deep into the piles of pillows and blankets on my bed. For a small moment there was only peace, a bright moon shining on my face and a cool ocean breeze slipping through my open window. I could even hear the waves crashing on the nearby shore.
My life here will be sweet, I know. Sweet, simple, and full of hard work and small joys. My whole life I have felt I was seeking for something, trying so hard to be better, fuller, stronger, more of something that I was not. Last night I remembered that I am whole. There is nothing to seek that will not eventually find me on its own. And it's in the simplest of moments that I realize-
-Life is good.

john trudell

remember, impatient child, the gentleness of time.

there are some falling-aparts that no magic can fix.

back to plan a

So here is the deal:
I have possibly lost my mind completely. I make a big deal to a bunch of people about how teaching is going to be my real career, about how I'm starting school and moving to Santa Cruz and making something of myself.
Well now I am chainging my mind for the thousandth time and embracing my passion for massage and doula work once again. God save me from my self, and my chaotic mind. I found a school in Santa Cruz that seems to be legit, that I am hoping to attend for massage. It has a doula program built right in too. Both things that I want to do are available to study at this school.
But here I am, having to make sense of this to my grandparents and everyone all over again. Shit.

feeling nostalgic

I miss my friends. I miss being able to just go over to their house and hang out, do nothing. I miss giggling with them, and drinking with them, and dancing with them.
I miss my ex boyfriend. I miss how he used to play music for me. I miss when he'd make me feel loved.
But alas, I have lost them all.
Now I have to search for new friends, a new love. I have to put myself out there in the world, and see what happens to me. I could be crushed again. I could be dropped again. But unless I want to live a life of boring solitude, I will have to. I will just have to.

bathtub nonsense

Yesterday I did nothing but watch glee all day. It's true. I barely got out of bed. Until late at night when I was finished watching glee.
I got out of bed, lit some candles in the bathroom, and took a bath. I forget how good that is for my spirit. As I sat there in the tub, swishing water around in my hands and letting my toes get all pruney, I realized that my life was beautiful. It's not like I didn't already know that, but I believe there are moments in life when you are more awake, and more aware. "There is never nothing going on. There are no ordinary moments." That's why when I was washing my hair with organic shampoo and drinking cold water out of a mason jar, I was revelling in joy. I was like a pig in mud, smothinering myself with beauty.

the cool teacher at school

I have figured it out.
The next few years of my life are going to be full and rewarding, if I can pull it off.
I am going to be a teacher. An awesome, inspiring, understanding English teacher. I want to make a difference in the world, to really help someone. And if I can make any kind of difference in anyone's life, and student who is having a hard time, then my life will be full.
I am going to take my time with this though. I am going to travel abroad, to teach ESL to children in Equador for a Summer. I am going to join the Peace Corps after I graduate, giving myself more time abroad to really make a difference in the world. And then I am going to get my teaching credentials and help as many students as I can gain some understanding of their native language.
I have a plan.

summer in the country

Today feels like Summer. The sun was full for the first time in months, and even the breeze is balmy and warm. I went barefoot for the first time since November. It smells like Summer, like grass and hot asphalt and fresh foods. I can't wait for freckles on my shoulders and the river in my hair. I didn't know how much I missed it.
Summer in Grass Valley is the only time it comes alive. Other seasons just pass, with no real plans and no real ambitions. Life just happens to people here, for all the other seasons of the year. But Summer... Summer carries with it some kind of magic, some spell that falls over the county and wakes it up. The hippies plant their vegetables and pot, the hick boys go 4-wheeling and dirt-biking. The pretty high school girls have their Summer flings while the old retired couples knit on their porches and watch their grandchildren run through the sprinklers. People party and barbeque and go camping on weekends. Parents take their kids to sporting events and concerts and sleepovers. Summer jumps from hand to hand like a chain letter until everyone is smiling and fanning themselves.
I know it's only the beginning of Spring, but today it felt like Summer...