05-17-10

So I have done nothing worth doing today. I am sitting at my dining table on my computer, wearing a robe becasue I just didn't get dressed today. I watched two movies and finished a book. Okay, the book part I admit was worth doing, but really? In bed all day and not even get dressed? What kind of life is that?

I find that I have debilitating thoughts. Thoughts that flood into my mind unbidden, and while I can objectively look at these thoughts, pick them apart and destroy them as being stupid and unproductive thoughts... the pulling apart of those thoughts takes up most of my energies. So either I think the thoughts, and cripple myself, or I banish the thoughts and still end up crippling myself.

My problem is, I am in love with someone who is so out of reach... I hold him in my dreams, and I wake up to find him on distant shores, soon to be almost a world away from me. And while there are half-promises made, and plans half-laid, the odds are surely against us. Sure, they say "If love is not madness, then it is not love" and all those other brilliant cliches explaining how illogical true love can be, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wonder if I will do something to cripple it as well, and doubt if I am really as loveable as he thinks of me. There is such a good chance that nothing will matter, and all this inside me will be for nothing. To quote miss Regina Spektor: "Love will be the death of me."

But as much as I may wish I weren't, I am that girl who throws it all away for some love or another. And this love... this love is a real one. This love walked in the double saloon doors like Robert Redford and demanded my full attention. I'm lost to it already, planning the epic poems and hand-written letters and believing against all logic that he will return to me.

Being that as it is, I have two options: wallow in self pity and dig myself a shallow hole to wait for him in (and he may never come), or put my big girl boots on and go live some more. If he does ever hold me again, I don't want what's left of me to be a half-rotten shell of what I could have been. I can't go around dying when there's beauty to be seen, life to be made. I've learned that the hard way once already.

Today was just a hard day. And it isn't over yet.