love love love

"It's so easy to write about love," she said. "When you're in it. When you lose it. When it hurts you or heals you."

It's so easy to write about love when even its shadow consumes you. When you wake up like the dead in a cold sweat because you know something is wrong. When it's your father's tears in your dreams, or your sister's, or your lover's. It's easy to write about love when it's the story you tell yourself over and over so you can finally eat something. When time slows way down, way way down, so you can inspect the slightest memory.

It's so easy to write about love when you're falling, heart first and down a hundred flights of stairs. When it gives your heart wings because you know it's real... at least for now. When after all you've been through, you still have hopeless romance inside you.

"It's so easy to write about love," she said. "When it hurts you. When it soothes you. When its the only thing that sustains you."

apparently i can't let this go yet...

"...Hold your nerve
Keep your focus
There's something peculiar about the way you pay to save your soul
You forfeit your dream..."

"It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong..."

"...The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again..."

"Feeling overload
Carrying bottled skies around
I've been drowning all along
Wearing out in a faltered sea
And I give up..."

"...Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
above my brother, I and tangled spines
we smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
now to know it in my memory..."

...My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
That's what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
(Oh yeah, yeah, yes I will)..."

for the man i haven't met

I forget what I looked like before you.
I’m pretty sure its nothing like now, because how could my face have held this much joy? How could my chest have carried this much love? My eyes would have been dim, my body thick with lethargy. I could have drowned in this love if it weren’t for the wings you made for me.

When I see you, I recognize your face as my own. Its when I look in the mirror that I get confused Your skin is my skin and my heart beats in your chest and all the loneliness you‘ve ever felt is within me, hidden in my blood and under my tongue.

You are the one person unafraid of my love. You rally under my love like banners of war, you taste the sweat of my love when you drink from the earth, you devour my love like the eagle and Prometheus and I have never felt so whole.

The flesh of your back was under my fingernails long before I ever knew you. You came walking out of the shadows of destiny and ordered a coffee, black, while your calloused hands reached for God in the back of a newspaper and found his personal ad seeking you, and when you dialed the number you dialed mine by mistake. In your voice was a six string guitar and something like rainstorms and now I lay open to you like your favorite blank pages. Your tongue strips ribbons of flesh from my thighs and our hearts pump each others blood in time with the tides and the stars fall into your hair like snowflakes from heaven when we visit my family for Christmas.

And for my part… It’s like finding the lost part of myself, and falling in love with it. I forget that I never knew you. I forget that thieves of my love swept away the dust of my heart into hallways and under rugs. I forget that it once took me fifty years to summon the courage to breathe again, to wake up again, to stand on my own to feet and sing halleluiah. Before I knew you, I must have been sick with this overflowing love, too full to hold it back in tears and sweat and vomit. I must have dulled the edges of my pain with anything I could find: a stray cat, alcohol, a toxic relationship. I must have failed in my faith in order to preserve my moment. I must have lost hope in finding you.

But your love is what created me. You reached into my dark pool of unrequited love and lifted out my pure and golden heart into the light. You made me wings so I could fly and survive the flood of love pouring over me. You saw the eternity my love was going to take from you, and embraced me.

If I have ever felt this way before, it was when I was in heaven. I swam in a river under majestic mountains and a cloudless red sky, and I knew love was only second to god. In those long moments my heart was as full as it was empty, was beating as fast as it was still. Forever felt like it had happened yesterday. And now, in reality, in the human flesh of experience, I look into your eyes and see rivers of forever, mountains and skies of love. My heart is as full as it is empty, an endless giving and taking between us. My heart beats as fast as it is still, finding infinity in measured time. You are mine.

just realized

The post about the words running circles in my head... those lyrics chosen tell a very unique story of what i was feeling. How interesting that they fit together like words of a single poem, not sections of several songs.

Let's see if it works again:

"The devil is not the nature that is around us, but the nature that is within us..."
"How did they find me, how did they know, this misconception of faith I'm about to let go?"
"Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair, she acts like Summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there's a time to change..."
"Til my sleeves have turned red, from all the truth that I've shed..."
"She may be young but she only likes old things...she sees mirages of mountain ranges, but in the blink of an eye it changes back to the open plain. Oh no she can't explain..."
"I say I'll care forever, and I mean forever, if I have to hold up the sky..."
"God and the devil alone could not have made you up, the two must have worked as one together..."
"Funny the way it is, when you think about it, somebody's broken heart becomes your favorite song..."
"Be my friend. Hold me. Wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up, and breathe me..."

...nature helps too

I don't know if it's beacause I'm doing massage again, or if it's got to do with the fact that I'm not chasing some useless boy around... hell, it could just be the ocean air or the view from the top of the hill.
I'm beginning to grow up.
I can feel it. I'm learning things about myself, and then changing or keeping them. I'm taking small moments for myself, and really using them for a purpose. I'm, learning what I need to be happy, like potted plants in my doorway, and a good solid view of nature. And somehow it includes handling my responsibilities.

I think I hold myself to a higher truth, and it's making me think my dad was at least partially right. I have high expectations for myself. I think he instilled them in me, but I also think that even if it weren't for him and his parental misjudgements, I would have a fear of failure.
But no. I take that back. If it weren't for him, I would feel much more powerful. I wouldn't fear never being good enough.
It doesn't matter. What I'm trying to convey, is that I know now that I am important to myself, if no one else. I am beautiful, and passionate, and even... gasp... smart. I can handle whatever blessings or curses come my way in life. That's not to say I welcome a curse... please, Universe, do not test me. But I am strong.
I am ready to LIVE this life. I didn't know I hadn't been.

an itch i can't scratch

I think I am a freedom junkie. I like the idea of droping everything and grabbing a suitcase or two, and peacing out of normal existnace for the open road. If I had any savings of my own whatsoever, it would have happened a long time ago. Fortunately (and unfortunately) I am not self-sufficient enough to drop it all. So I guess I don't get to.
What I might get to do is move every few months, like I have been. Once I'm done looking out the same windows every morning, or if my room is too messy, or if there's a for rent sign somewhere else... that's when I get this itchy feeling under my feet and I pack. Or redecorate. Whatever it takes to subdue the itch.
Someday I am going to take a huge road trip though. It will take a few months, but I will cross America and hit 49 states... I will have to save up a few thousand dollars, but I can do that. It will give me a good idea of where I might want to settle and make my massage/doula practice a reality.
I can't wait.

red and white, dark and light

A pale blossom blooms
Under a pink moon
Full and bright, baby-faced.

The scent lingers
Drifts on a slender wind
Made of petals and stars.

I chew the burning points of light.

The shadow of a rose
Somber and solemn and red like blood.
Hot like embers dying.

It pools and pours
Drowning the sheets
A honey thick and sweet.

I embrace the silky shades of night.

Here I rest
As a bridge, a ladder
The balanced difference between thin-veiled sides.
I buoy and sink
Swim blissfully among salt and stars
As dawn and dusk surrender to themselves.

the words chasing trenches around in my heart

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You can't believe it; You were always singing along..."

"...I know our filthy hands can wash one another's and not one speck will remain..."

"Spikes keep on falling from the heavens to the floor. The future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore..."

"This war-ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors. Pulling fistfulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors..."

"Oh all that I know, there's nothing here to run from. Yeah, 'cause everybody here's got somebody to lean on..."

"...Are we waiting for a saving? I'm so sick of waiting! I've been waiting my whole life. This is a new day..."

"...And don't you bury me six feet under ground. Just burn my body in a box, and let my ashes blow with the wind out into the night sky..."

"When I grow up I want to be a forrester, run through the moss on high heels. That's what I'll do. Throwing out a boomerange, waiting for it to come back to you... "

"This my excavation and today is Kumran. And everything that happens is from now on. This is pouring rain. This is paralyzed..."



around and around and around and around and around and around and around etc

always tired

I am finding that I am exhausted. I am tired, like really tired, a good 60 percent of the time. The only 40 percent landing somewhere among total joy, peaceful contentment, or dreary ennui.

I need a place of my own, to purify and protect and fill with light. I need somewhere I don't have to worry about who is doing what or if my hair looks wrong or why my heart is breaking for no reason at all. I need somewhere that is not going to be infiltrated by other energies.

On a happier note... I don't actually know.

singledom

I miss this. I miss a warm tounge in between my lips, and hands on my jaw, in my hair, on my back...
I miss being held, taken care of, caressed.
Hell, I even miss the gritty days, when clothes can't come off fast enough, and the sand from the beach or the dirt from the road is still clinging to skin, skin that feels on fire now...
I miss the force of nature that love can turn into, like a hurricane. I miss the mysterious bruises and the trashy hickies and the tangled hair. I miss my body feeling like it got some attention. I miss the lazy moments afterward, when you feel relaxed and satisfied.
Mostly I just miss this, the look of two people in a crowded room, all alone in the world together.

i have found a sanctuary

Sometimes I am surpirsed by the beauty in everyday things. I finally went to bed last night, turned off the lights, and snuggled deep into the piles of pillows and blankets on my bed. For a small moment there was only peace, a bright moon shining on my face and a cool ocean breeze slipping through my open window. I could even hear the waves crashing on the nearby shore.
My life here will be sweet, I know. Sweet, simple, and full of hard work and small joys. My whole life I have felt I was seeking for something, trying so hard to be better, fuller, stronger, more of something that I was not. Last night I remembered that I am whole. There is nothing to seek that will not eventually find me on its own. And it's in the simplest of moments that I realize-
-Life is good.

john trudell

remember, impatient child, the gentleness of time.

there are some falling-aparts that no magic can fix.

back to plan a

So here is the deal:
I have possibly lost my mind completely. I make a big deal to a bunch of people about how teaching is going to be my real career, about how I'm starting school and moving to Santa Cruz and making something of myself.
Well now I am chainging my mind for the thousandth time and embracing my passion for massage and doula work once again. God save me from my self, and my chaotic mind. I found a school in Santa Cruz that seems to be legit, that I am hoping to attend for massage. It has a doula program built right in too. Both things that I want to do are available to study at this school.
But here I am, having to make sense of this to my grandparents and everyone all over again. Shit.

feeling nostalgic

I miss my friends. I miss being able to just go over to their house and hang out, do nothing. I miss giggling with them, and drinking with them, and dancing with them.
I miss my ex boyfriend. I miss how he used to play music for me. I miss when he'd make me feel loved.
But alas, I have lost them all.
Now I have to search for new friends, a new love. I have to put myself out there in the world, and see what happens to me. I could be crushed again. I could be dropped again. But unless I want to live a life of boring solitude, I will have to. I will just have to.

bathtub nonsense

Yesterday I did nothing but watch glee all day. It's true. I barely got out of bed. Until late at night when I was finished watching glee.
I got out of bed, lit some candles in the bathroom, and took a bath. I forget how good that is for my spirit. As I sat there in the tub, swishing water around in my hands and letting my toes get all pruney, I realized that my life was beautiful. It's not like I didn't already know that, but I believe there are moments in life when you are more awake, and more aware. "There is never nothing going on. There are no ordinary moments." That's why when I was washing my hair with organic shampoo and drinking cold water out of a mason jar, I was revelling in joy. I was like a pig in mud, smothinering myself with beauty.

the cool teacher at school

I have figured it out.
The next few years of my life are going to be full and rewarding, if I can pull it off.
I am going to be a teacher. An awesome, inspiring, understanding English teacher. I want to make a difference in the world, to really help someone. And if I can make any kind of difference in anyone's life, and student who is having a hard time, then my life will be full.
I am going to take my time with this though. I am going to travel abroad, to teach ESL to children in Equador for a Summer. I am going to join the Peace Corps after I graduate, giving myself more time abroad to really make a difference in the world. And then I am going to get my teaching credentials and help as many students as I can gain some understanding of their native language.
I have a plan.

summer in the country

Today feels like Summer. The sun was full for the first time in months, and even the breeze is balmy and warm. I went barefoot for the first time since November. It smells like Summer, like grass and hot asphalt and fresh foods. I can't wait for freckles on my shoulders and the river in my hair. I didn't know how much I missed it.
Summer in Grass Valley is the only time it comes alive. Other seasons just pass, with no real plans and no real ambitions. Life just happens to people here, for all the other seasons of the year. But Summer... Summer carries with it some kind of magic, some spell that falls over the county and wakes it up. The hippies plant their vegetables and pot, the hick boys go 4-wheeling and dirt-biking. The pretty high school girls have their Summer flings while the old retired couples knit on their porches and watch their grandchildren run through the sprinklers. People party and barbeque and go camping on weekends. Parents take their kids to sporting events and concerts and sleepovers. Summer jumps from hand to hand like a chain letter until everyone is smiling and fanning themselves.
I know it's only the beginning of Spring, but today it felt like Summer...

yearning: body, heart

I want to be in love again.
I want the pitter-patter of my heartbeat, I want the rush of blood to my face when I blush. I want someone that makes me feel exciting and interesting. I want someone I can pour my love into, like a fountain into the pond.
But maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I need to realize that I am the fountain and the pond. I am interesting and exciting even when there is no one to notice.

On another not completely... My body. It is yearning for some life. I sit, make art, write, and read. But I haven't gone for a walk for no reason in a long time, and I have no one to limber me up in bed. My body needs some real attention. YOGA is key. I believe my life will change drastically when I begin a yoga practce. Really. I need to just do it, get off my lazy butt and be beautiful.

gypsy lady

Isn't she beautiful?
This is a woman i could look up to. She oozes sexuality, and confidence. She knows who she is and is not afraid to embody herself wholly.

I am not yet so strong. I am 23 years old and I am still not quite sure who I am. So many friends of mine seem immature and often much younger than they really are. I am afraid I am in that catagory, as opposed to being 'adult'. I have other friends that are very adult, very grown-up. I am certainly not among them in lifestyle, and I am actually happy about that. I don't want to be old before my time. I want a real life before I give it up to be 'regular'.
But in that lies the dilemma. I am not adult, but I am outgrowing most of my friends. I do not want to blow time and money on just having fun, but there is so much more to life than getting a good job and making good money and having good kids to pass on my good genetics. I am afraid of the normal, boring life. I want more.

This woman has more. You can see it.

the only place

There is a place I have been that brings me close to God. Everyone I know calls it 'The Mountain' though as far as I am concerned, it barely counts. The mountains I have lived near my whole life are some of the largest, and grandest, and very little else compares. But 'The Mountain' it is, and I call it that as well.
There have been a few times in my life where I have thought to myself, I should go to The Mountain for a while. And sometimes I do. But there has never been a time where I felt I needed it. When I have been so out of touch that it seemed a real requirement of my life. But today, and at this moment, I need The Mountain.
When I am on The Mountain I feel whole. I feel all the bullshit fall away, and the true world exists. My heart opens up like the sky in the desert, and even the breeze feels like a whisper from God. I wake up there, and the birds sing, and the sun shines, and the clouds gather and part... and I have never felt so at peace or so a part of it all. I understand what it means for the mountain to come to Muhammad, because The Mountain comes to me, in my soul, whenever I am barefoot upon it.
I just wish The Mountain would come to me now.

stick in the mud.

I find that I have nothing to say. I am a dull girl.

surrendering to gravity

So it hurts sometimes when you find out your dreams are not meant for you. The Universe, in all its wisdom, slaps your hand away from the cookie jar, telling you 'no' enough times you stop trying and go for the vegetables instead.
But when one door opens...
...you find out that you have a few tricks up your sleeve you forgot about.
So now I'm making jewelry, and trying to get it sold somewhere. I am looking for jobs and thinking about college. I am experimenting with my life now... and it's fun.

road trip

Ah, to roll down the windows and turn up the radio and let the sun and the breeze rush through your hair... To let the shadows of leaves fall on your face and wrap your arms tighter around that someone you love... To rest your ankles upon the other and drift into a daze of passing apple orchards and christmas tree farms...

My love and I... we spent the hours of a day winding over twisting roads that dipped and rose over mountains and hills... We caught the fairies dancing over mossed rocks and wild mushrooms... We gasped at the almost-full moon and the radiant sunset...

My love and I... we held hands and made faces and were generally happy for a day.